eh like a welcome?.... 4/26

well im not introducing myself... you should know me from my profile and that is all you should really know about me, unless you know me in person. yeah im new here but here is to meeting new people. yeah i checked my zip code into the search... yeah there is no one on this site with in a five mile radius which is pretty awesome considering i can write and be who ever i want. yeah i have issues with school and friends. i hate stereotypes but to give one ive been called an emo. and i guess you could say i am. i write poetry, like alot of emo music, had a rumor about me cutting in my school... so yeah i guess i am. then again why do i like bright colors. im all for individuality. i hate when people sink back into the crowd and absorb all their shit. followers are one of the worst kind of people in my opinion. im horrible at spelling. im pretty random at times too. so yeah first blog you now know a little more about me and now for the good stuff =]

today im gonna talk about a few different things... summer, friends, love/lust, and last but not least just me in general.

gosh summer seems soo close right now. the end of the school year is coming. yeah finals hip hip horay. oh gosh and the state tests. yeah being smart sucks, you get all the hard tests and all the hard classes yet when you could be in the easy ones getting straight a's and be at the top of the class, but no you have to fight to be higher then that. summer is gonna be good though i have that weird feeling about it. its going to be like a growing summer... there will be alot of growing up im afriad. and i dont know if i want to grow up. being a "kid" is sort of fun. the no worries and having everything you want/need but of course you start experimenting with stuff.. kissing boyfriends love and lust, which i will get more in dept about later, but who needs it. yeah its nice but seriously it causes sooo many problems and shit. but summer means getting tan and of course the pool. i litterly live at mine. and theater but that is all year round and i dont particularly like the summer one either but oh well. and of course the summer friends, cause of course i live in that kind of place that friends are seasonal.

friends are sort of weird... they always are. most are drifters which i hate. i like someone to stay and just be there. in december i threw out a huge chunk of my friends then in february i gained alot and in march i lost again. the throw out was becuase of many reasons. mostly cause i had to get away. very preppy people they are. and i went to a bunch of new kids. other would call emos but they were pretty cool. gained a bunch of friends from that and over a stupid fight that i was only doing good lost them all. the fight had to do with bulemia. my friend had it and it got really serious. everyone knew about but no one was doing anything. one of her close friends said that three of her closest friends knew about it but just ecnored it. her parents knew but didnt believe in therapy so i told her best friend, who happens to be my ex. soon as you know it rumors are flying that i told everyone that she was bulemic. when i told one person to get her to stop. it was to the point where she was not consuming anyfood at all. and gosh her body was frail and it took her forever to get places and the countless times she looked like she would faint. she looked soo sickly. i had to do something and ended up loosing my friends for caring. the the others took sides and that is how that mess started up. now im back to the preps but not for good. my goal for the rest of hte year is to be friends with a few good people not just one click. one click has proven to be pretty risky.

love and lust my god how confusing they both are. winter is the time for a play and i truly started liking a guy. he and i were the two oldest people. he was the assistant director and me the president of the club. and for the two days a meet we met... yeah two days a week = crappy play but what ever, was constant flirting and everything. each day even when i wasnt with him i started to like him more and more. so about a month to show im going to the library and he is walking home and we walk together and i convince him to come to the library with me. at the end we got kicked out i called my mom to pick me up and he stayed and waited with me. she took a good half an hour to come. and during that entire half an hour was cuddling cause it was freezing out. he could have walked home but he chose to stay. so he is just about to leave and i give him a hug and im like i dont want you to leave. so he starts looking into my eyes with that look like i want to kiss you goodbye. so i ask him what he is thinking about. and he does the cutsie thing and asks me what im thinking about and im like no i asked first so you answer. and as this is happening our faces are moving closer starting to tilt. so he says nothing and im like yeah sure if you want to kiss me do it already. eww that sound so bossy when you write it but trust me it wasnt. and he kisses me. then i go away and and he goes back for another this time being make out. and that was the last time i truly talked to him. and i still like him. maybe more then i ever have. and i know he doesnt like me at least not anymore but idk... its confusing.

if your still reading now congrats =]

gosh there is somthing wrong with me. ik im depressed... i did the whole cutting thing, was suicidal, and much much more. i say everything is okay but im not sure if it really is. i think i could be bipolar. its always happy one minute then unbearably sad the next. its werid. and lately ive had this thing where im really scared of the dark. i feel like someone is watching me. i even see somehing out of the corner of my eye and when i turn towards it it like disappears its werid and im not tellng my rents or any adult figure. i was in a physcatriac hospital in december and i dont want to go back under any sircumstance but it seems like that is the place i need to be right now. but i cant i jsut cant.

so she said;

song - almost here - the academy is...