Rocky 7

Who says that the latest film in the 'Rocky' series has to be the final installment? I am going to propose what (if made) would likely be the worst movie in the history of cinema. How bad would it be? Judge for yourself. I've outlined the entire plot below for a movie tentatively titled Rocky 7: The Fall and Rise of Radio.


Old, decrepit, washed up and terminally punch drunk, Rocky Balboa is forced into the degrading world of celebrity boxing in order to pay off some lingering debts. Online vendors of exploitation for profit, GoDaddy.com, arranges for the Italian Stallion (who's just about ready for the glue factory, based on his flabby physique) to fight none other than...Radio, the beloved goofball portrayed by Cuba Gooding jr. in a film bearing his namesake. Early odds are heavily in favor of the pudgy pugilist, who Vegas bookies put at 50:1 to flatten the fun loving frontal lobe flat line, Radio.

*Fight night*

Balboa devours a giant plate of pasta in the locker room in preparation for the fight. Due to irreversible brain damage brought on by head trauma, the champ finds it exceedingly difficult to recognize those close to him. He removes a picture of Mr. T from the waistband and begins stroking it, all the while sobbing, 'Adriannnnn....Adriannnn."

Back in the ring, Radio is starting to get confused. He was told that his copy of "Goodnight Moon" was going to be autographed by Jesus, but Jesus is nowhere to be found. Furthermore, promoter/convicted felon Don King informed Radio that he must wear a bathrobe and boxing gloves, otherwise Jesus will NOT sign the book. Suddenly, the lights go dim and a shadowy figure begins to walk down the runway. Radio get really excited and begins jumping up and down. That must be Jesus! Balboa steps into the ring as thunderous applause fills the coliseum. Rocky and Radio come face to face in the center of the ring. Rocky stares Radio down cold, but Radio can no longer contain himself.

"Oh my god! It really is you Jesus!! I read your book every night!!!! I even tried to make my bunny sit in a rocking chair and knit me a sweater, just like on the cover, but she bit me. I can't believe you're here Jesus!!!" A stream of urine rolls down Radio's leg as he tries to hand his copy of 'Goodnight Moon' to Rocky. A befuddled Rocky cocks his fist back and deals a devastating blow to the nose of Radio. As blood spurts out of Radio's broken nose, he stumbles backwards and wails, 'No Jesusss!!!!!!"

The ref drops to one knee and begins to count Radio out...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8..9...10

*Bell*

Balboa triumphantly dances in a celebratory circle as the ref calls for paramedics to enter the ring and assist the mortally wounded Radio. As paramedics tend to Radio, the fallen fighter musters his last bit of energy and motions for Balboa to come to him. Balboa stands over the gravely injured body of Radio and laughs, "What is it, kid???"

"Jesus," Radio says, in a barely audible tone. " C-c-can you s-s-s-sign my b-b-book?"

Grasping the now blood soaked copy of 'Goodnight Moon' in his boxing glove, Radio attempts to hand the book to Rocky. Furious, Balboa throws the book at Radio's broken face.

"I ain't Jesus, kid!!!!" Balboa turns and walks away. Tears fill Radio's eyes and he utters his final words on the mortal coil:

"I'll see you in heaven, Jesus."

Radio's eyes close and the paramedics check for a pulse. None. Rocky has killed the Radio tard. The stunned crowd lets their disgust be known as they hiss and boo Balboa. As cups, ice and other debris rain down on him, Rocky Balboa beats a hasty retreat from the ring. Balboa disappears into the entrance tunnel and the crowd again stares at the lifeless body of Radio. Even the most hardened boxing fans are visibly weeping as the paramedics retrieve a white sheet from ringside and cover Radio's corpse. Before he leaves the ring, one paramedic picks up Radio's copy of his beloved 'Goodnight Moon' and places it on top of the sheet, close to the location of Radio's heart. Wiping tears from his eyes, the paramedic softly says "Jesus will sign this for you now, Radio." That image of the goofy gladiator laid out on the canvas would soon unite a nation and change the world.

The fallout from the Radio fiasco was swift and sweeping. Ministers in churches began talking about "Radio, the Martyr" and some congregations removed their statues of Jesus and replaced them with bronze busts of Radio. The President of the United States delivered an emergency state of the union address and declared December 25th Radio Day. Radio's head was added to Mount Rushmore and became the face of the new $11 bill. Shortly after the radical changes in America took place, the pope convened Vatican III and declared the bible obsolete, claiming it was at one time relevant, but had merely laid the groundwork for the "True Word of God", Goodnight Moon. Rocky Balboa became the most reviled man in the world. The price of his bounty far exceeded that of Bin Laden and other miscreants as Rocky became the new face of global terror.

The paramount moment of Radio's now-biblical legacy occurred when fanatic scientists were able to alter the genetics of a rabbit and create a 300 foot tall bunny The rabbit was stashed away in an underground lab in Nevada, where scientists trained it to knit sweaters, just like the Heavenly Bunny Mother on the cover of The Holy Book. The big bunny was revealed to the world on Radio Day 2015 and became the sole focal point of worship for all religions. Presidents and leaders of all nations were deposed and the big bunny became supreme ruler of the world. Soon after, big bunny was elected to the position of God, and he sat on hill in the former Washington D.C. (now known as Carrot Hill) knitting sweaters for the sick and weary who came to pay homage to him. It was said that you would be going to see Radio if God knitted you a cashmere sweater. But if he knitted you a Coogi sweater, you be spending an eternity with Rocky.



The whole of mankind, united under a universal banner of Peace and Love by the man who died for our sins, Radio. In the immortal words of Ed Harris, whose character took a chance on Radio in the movie:

"Radio's teachin' us!"